This Saturday my church will be honoring the pastor's of New Hope, as it is pastor's appreciation month. I am excited, not for the public honor, or gifts, but rather because I appreciate the congregation's recognition of what we do in the community.
Much of what a pastor does is done in the privacy of our office, or in a member's home. Most people don't see the interaction, especially what is often exchanged in conversation.
Last night, I was reliving some of the best moments in pastoral ministry with Rej. Here are some of the highlights from the last 13 years of ministry. Note: None of this is exaggerated.
1.
"I feel like punching you in the face!" Last week right before church service started. I had deeply offended and hurt him. I was in the wrong. This time, I did deserve a punch in the face.
2.
"I am praying Pastor Kumar dies in a plane crash, I once prayed this same prayer for another pastor, and God answered my prayer." Told me to me by the church secretary several years ago.
3.
"I am going to walk in there, and tear that table apart, and teach him a good lesson" Two members very angry that I was leading communion with leavened bread. They were plotting in the foyer to walk into the service and 'turn over the table' as Jesus did. Luckily, a church deacon intervened.
4.
"You better watch yourself. I know where you live." A church member who worked for the U.S. government in a 'secret' agent who regularly interrogated terrorist, after a contentious church business meeting. After that, I stopped publishing my home address.
5.
"I will kill you." A 37 drug lord from San Bernadino, CA who I told was not welcome to the youth Sabbath School, since he was taking over the conversation, and scaring the kids. This happened in the church parking lot.
6.
"I own your suit...because my tithe paid for that." Church member at Sligo Church, during a short period under cover police officers were attending, to protect several of the pastors who had received death threat, during a widely publicized church split.
7.
"I am not sure what I am capable of doing..." A church member talking to me in my back yard, while he was strung out on heroine. That was the last time I had a pastoral meeting in my home. Now, they are always in public settings.
8.
"Let go of me, I will kick your ass" as I attempted to escort a youth out of a church sponsored event who had shown up drunk, and was beating up another teenager in the bathroom.
9.
"Somebody, please call 911." ~ Kumar Dixit
10.
"Can you tell my parents I am pregnant. They will kill me." 17 year old confiding that she was pregnant with a 14 year old boy. Both were in my youth group.
11.
"I am in bed already. Can you bring him home." Conversation with a mom at 1:00am after a youth event who didn't feel like picking up her son at the church.
12.
"I had an affair." Countless members confessing to me.
13.
"I think we should break up. I don't want to marry you." During a volatile pre-marital counseling session. Whammy! Four couples have broken up during counseling with me.
14.
"It is my professional opinion that you both should not be married. I cannot perform your ceremony. It is against my better judgment." Me, two weeks prior to the wedding date.
15.
"Kumar Dixit - the epitome of a hypocrite..." Title of an anonymous blog published in honor of all of my misfailings. It received almost 2,000 hits within one month.
16.
"I had an affair with a church member." One of my dear friends, whom I was an associate pastor with. Consequently, he was fired the following week.
17.
"I had lunch with Pastor *****." My senior pastor (in California) told me. One year later, he was fired for having an affair with this lady pastor. They both left their spouses and got married.
18.
"Thanks for lunch, it's been a long time since I was on a date." Widowed church member, after what I thought was a working lunch.
19.
"Are you serious?" After a church member confesses his sexual experience with a certain animal. I was trying to keep my composure and look pastoral as I was about to hurl.
20.
"I don't like you!" As a member pins me against the wall, and speaks 1 inch from my face. I had asked them to step down from ministry due to a moral lapse in judgment.
21.
"You've been served." Upon receiving the legal papers from a court clerk. I had been named (among others) in a lawsuit for one million dollars. Finally, after five years, the suit was thrown out by the Maryland Supreme Court. Your tax and tithe dollars at work.
22.
"Last night I found my wife hiding in the closet in a fetal position, crying, naked. She is insane. I am leaving her." Thanks for the memories. I love being your pastor! I love you too.
